party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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