Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
