Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
