My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
