I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
