the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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