would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
you had me at cake vodka
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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