I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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