i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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