twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
