am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
