i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
