Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I think I sprained my soul last night
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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