Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
