True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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