checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
