That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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