literally had 100 drinks last night.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
