So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
