I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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