I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Randomize
