When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
