I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
