You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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