Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
