i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
