Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
