You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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