on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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