Acid is not a monday night drug
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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