Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
