my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
