I hate all girls vehemently.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
