well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
