She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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