Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
a search helicopter?!
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
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