After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
