Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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