My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
