Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
