I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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