I accidentally burped into my bong.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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