just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
