Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
