I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
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