I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
This house was built for laser tag.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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