I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
