I am puke
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
