I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
If I die, sorry about rent.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
