woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
