I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
