Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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