please come you make the beer taste better
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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