remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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